Monday, September 21, 2015

The Great Menon Wedding: Post Script

It's been almost a year and a half now since I entered into couple-hood. And while the biggest relief of being married is that no one asks you when you are getting married anymore, there are certain other enlightenments that have come with the married state. Here are a few observations on the subject.

1. The language barrier can be a barrier. Mostly because he can't get the jokes you are cracking at his expense. Besides, there are only so many times you can say "walking in the moonlight" and not get the right response. On a mushier note, there is also the downside that any attempt at romance involving, say, a sweet malayalam/tamil song hummed as you smile softly at him,  is met with a dodo-stare or or worse a polite request to keep it down while he tries to concentrate on something else. Hmph.

That said,

2. Guys can be Super Romantic. And the capitals are warranted. So when they go out of their way to buy you that academic book you happened to request on a Fb sound-out, or send you flowers from the middle of nowhere, or turn your birthday into a fancy production with a five star hotel stay thrown in just for kicks, and are determined to take you to a hill station on your first anniversary, let them. And enjoy it. I've heard it doesn't last.

3. Girls can be jerks. True, this is not a singular thought, but it is the variety in the jerkness that astounds.
The problem is we women are working with an archival disadvantage.Accounts of feminine assishness are,less accurately documented and are largely constituted of  patently unhelpful exaggerations. Sure there are loads of sexist jokes that paint women as evil incarnate (but if anyone believes that bullcrap, they deserve all the pain they get) , or accounts of some obviously happily married guy dissing his unfortunate wife(Guyish assery is a given anyway). But they all miss the fact that women can be all kinds of disaster just trying to be nice.
In the quest to be as comfortable a companion as possible we women tend to inadvertently squash our  spouse's fragile feelings. The lady regularly plants her both her feet in her admittedly big mouth and finds herself treading softly, for she treads upon eggshells. Someone ought to write a manual on avoiding everyday female dodo-hood.

 On the other hand,

5.Guys are dense. He may be the most intelligent person in the world but he's still not going to be able to read between the lines. Guys suffer from a natural emotional glaucoma-- they are chromosomally handicapped when it comes to figuring whether to probe or leave alone and consequently are guaranteed to do both in inopportune moments. It's frustrating, but they can't get it and will only get upset and upsetting if you attempted to explain things. I have been told that deep in the fantasy land of Xanadu, beneath Kubla Khan's pleasure dome, exist Men who have this skill. But they, like the phoenix, centaur or Yeti, remain elusive.So take a deep breath and cultivate girl friends.

6. A sense of humor is a WONDERFUL thing.  After the first hundred times you over think and mess up, you sort of realise that you ought to take a chill pill.  So, instead of freaking out every time something doesn't seem right, when in doubt, laugh it off. Keep a copy of 3rd Rock From the Sun, Dharma and Greg, Friends or a Telugu movie close at click. And get him to watch it with you so that you're both in on the joke.


7. Sometimes laughter can be a very bad idea. 'Nuf said. (This can be cross referenced with point #3.)

8. Food can fix most things. My grandmother used to say the key to a good marriage is to always have food ready when your spouse walks in. And a shared interest in street food or dubious Chinese fare further smoothens the marriage path. While every partner hopes to fill the void in the other, it's not possible to be everything a person needs at every point in time. Sometimes you need to rely on the good old-fashioned comfort of a hot meal and let it be. And if food doesn't do it, hand over the remote.

 9. Cricket matches are sacred. Period.

And finally,

10. There is no right answer. But, the good news is, there is no wrong one either. Marriage is like writing an examination in the Humanities discipline. There is no solid answer to the question of human companionship. There are only hypotheses, occasionally a couple of arguments, and a guiding principle.  Regardless of your best intentions, things may go awry. Contrarily, sometimes your worst fears lead to the best conclusions. You are the two lost souls swimming in the fish bowl, but it's better to be lost together.  And, to misquote the great Gandalf, not all those who are lost wander. You are both on the right path, and you'll get wherever you want to get. The journey may throw you off course, but if you remember the destination you will inevitably get there. Or so I have been told.

Let's see what life brings us.

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