Thursday, December 25, 2008

Dr. Ames' Inventory of New Age Diseases-3

Welcome to the newest edition of Dr.Ames' Directory for New Age Diseases. This edition will focus on two of the most rampant ailments plaguing the student community. The avid readers will perhaps be disappointed at the brevity of this edition. However, the good doctor assures them that these two ailments are equivalent to four more than than their number. Knowledge awaits:


1) Brain ham-or-rage:

This dreaded condition strikes the student at her/his most delicate times. That of assignment writing. As most individuals who have gone through the motion of higher education would know, these tasks are usually commenced on the previous day; more often a couple of hours before dead-line(emphasis on dead).And given that an hour can only accommodate 60 minutes, the ideal strategy of research is generally abandoned.This rather tight situation results in a surge of enzymes and fluids into the cranial area. The body adapts to the need for material and a enters a phase known as SFEE (Spontaneous Fecal-Equivalent Emission), more commonly known as "crapping" or "hamming". This phase is characterized by the cerebrum morphing into it's sister form- cerebum. "All the better for writing out of one's a**.", to quote a leading medical practitioner. This transformation ensures the student an entry into the word-limit safe zone.
However,the morph often goes awry due to a diffusion of the said fluids,and results not only in aforementioned change,but also in that of the medula oblongata into muddle-a oblongated. This causes a constipation in the cerebum and a general lack of flow in FE (Fecal-Equivalent). Thus, leaving the student unable to fill the necessary pages and the emergence of general frustration and rage.This condition is known as Ham-or-rage. High frequency screaming, groaning at computer screens, and zombie-like stricken staring are all symptoms of this.

Cures are broadly subjective. However, short walks, emergency light reading and beverages have proven to be useful in the past. Extreme measures include sharp flicking movements of the wrist towards the visage of the patient.

2)Arth-write-is:

This ailment is characterised by the stiffening of the joints through intensive writing/typing. Most people mistake this condition to be limited merely to the fingers. This is not true. The neck, the lower back etc. are also targets. Sometimes patients have even complained about "sprained brains". As painful as the condition is, it is not necessarily crippling. The student usually plows along even with the said ailment, often inflaming the condition to the level of a C-section. A C-section can be defined as the movement of two extreme ends of one structure towards each other under the influence of gravity,concentration and extensive pressure. This usually results in the arth-write-is struck bone structure taking the form of a "C". Another complication that might arise is that of Type-phoid. In this case the fingers of the ailing person seize up and/or obtain a psyche of their own. Both the scenarios result in considerable discomfort and disastrous typos.
Flexing, massaging and stretching are effective methods to ease out of this ailment.

Further developments in the New Age medical field will be updated as and when the venerable doctor feels like it. Until then, good health and happiness to all! And happy healthy Christmas!

10 comments:

Jan said...

"these two ailments are equivalent to for than than their number"... eh? :D Brains leaked out your ears eh?

Leak-o-me-eah (ear)? :D

AtomicGitten said...

A temporary type-phoid attack I'm afraid. Not to worry, the leak will be plugged :D

Anush said...

amazing wordplay and imagination. u have lived upto jan's seemingly over-exaggerated praise for u.

doesn't look like u had either of the diseases when u wrote this :)

notgogol said...

I'm just being honest when I say that you've written better stuff, far-better :|

AtomicGitten said...

Anush: Why thank you!:D And I also thank Jan for the over exaggerated praise, though usually most praise of me IS over exaggerated :P. As for contacting any of the conditions listed here: I admit to being a chronic type-phoid patient, as Jan will testify. So are you back to writing again...?

Notgogol: Perhaps and perhaps not. But I enjoyed writing it all the same. :)

Anush said...

ji nahin. this post was too good not be left uncommented. (did i get tat rite?) :P

AtomicGitten said...

We hope you change your mind. And we shall endeavor to create similarly comment inducing posts :D

Materialmom said...

Enjoyed the post.
Waiting for more from the doc.

AtomicGitten said...

Thank you Madam. We at the Amesian Health Centre find new inspiration in your praise :D

Rhythmn said...

great post...:)