Sunday, April 06, 2008

Dr.Ames' Inventory of New Age Diseases-1


Diabetes Smellitus
: Most individuals with an acute mania of the gastronomical variety generally suffer from this merciless menace. Symptoms include immediate sensation of weight gain following an inhalation of fragrances arising from any food item. Several patients suffering from this ailment express a feeling of "..growing fatter just by smelling it[the food]". This sensation is especially acute in the case of
a)the horizontally prolific in the company of permanently horizontally challenged individuals.
b)Individuals on a restrictive intake of sustenance-also called a 'diet' by some.
c)Foodies.

There is no cure.


Exama
:This ailment is exclusive to the learning-class. It generally comprises of the rash of unstudied portions that erupt the day before the exams. Ancient Sha-moms advocate the absolutely improbable cure of prevention. Present day scenarios reveal an impossibility for the success of this option. the easiest way to tackle this problem is to scratch as much as you can and then place your faith in the higher powers. Several individuals have tried to tackle post-exama problems with chits of paper and communal chanting and sharing.Bribing the in-charge might help.

Free-mentia: This is a burgeoning epidemic today. The disease is mostly caused by the viruses sale-monella and offerillia- the breeding place of which is any area with retail tendencies.The general feature of this disease is the tendency to buy something for the simple reason that something else comes free with it. The utility and the necessity of the of the freebie is disregarded. This results in not only loss of the Green Financial Cells (GFC) but also in over crowding of living space. OR worse still, the giving and receiving of the freebies to unsuspecting masses.

Cure is a severe reduction of the supply of GFCs. Wearing blinders at shopping arenas would be an effective preventive measure.

Foot-in-Mouth Disease: Generally found in people with tongues longer than their thought processes, this disease is known to have wrecked several endeavors. It is difficult to ascertain exactly in what case this disease is most devastating. The un-complimenting compliment, the brash statement, the offensive joke are all just minor manifestations of this terrible menace. . The impact of this disease is generally pulse like- it ripples outward from the source.The curtailing of this is difficult as the occurrence is completely unpredictable (excepting in the case of known foot-in-mouthers). There is no definite prevention except keeping shut.

No-shoe-a: This ailment attacks at the worst of times and usually when there is no time. The characteristics of this disease involve the absconding of a single shoe from the pair or the pair itself. This results in mild hysteria and general rise in blood pressure; especially since-as mentioned before- this condition strikes when there is no time to spend searching. Scenarios include an important meeting, a movie etc. Causes of this include
a)"kicked off" footware.
b)clean up processes unknown to the owner of the footware.
c)sneaky room-mates/siblings.

The case becomes critical when the patient has only one pair of shoes.
Cure would require a substitute pair or handy fellow beings to borrow from.
A similar ailment is No-sock-ea. Substitute shoe with sock. This is a more virulent and common disease. The ailment is doubly painful in he case since the missing items are smaller and often, never turn up.

Further developments in the New Age medical field will be updated as and when the venerable doctor feels like it. Until then, good health and happiness to all!

9 comments:

Materialmom said...

Hi Dr Ames
haha Great post with lots of puns and funny names. diabetes smellitus sounds like Khademul's syndrome.. no- sockea is my disease. no __ea in fact, the blank can be filled with just abt anything, from stapler to dupatta

Anush said...

and the proud owner of disease number 4 is.... [:)]

smoke said...

Sale-monella?! ROFLMAO! :D

Although I must say that very recent research has revealed that some intensive sole-searching is the only cure for the dreaded endemic No-Shoe-a! (hehe, sorry couldn't resist)

And oh, thanks to your illuminating post, I have diagnosed myself as having an acute form of the Foot-in-Mouth Disease. Sigh.

the3daymonk said...

Sooper dooper... You are too good. ROFL.
I've contracted number of them but i guess i have them no more.

Dupli-phobia where once you bought something you're scared some one you know has the same thing. He he he...

SJ said...

reading-ur-blogophobia thats my disease hahaha ;)- SJ

VaishKan said...

Sheis-madia: Symptoms are writing crazy blogs and amusing people with it. Sometimes people laugh too hard at a place they should not, like workplace. Only one known person has this disease. And the person happens to be the one who owns this blog. CRAZY GAL!!

AtomicGitten said...

MaterialMom: I beg to differ, the Khademul syndrome would come under the category of farti-go. Watch out for the next medical update.
Yes, no-___ea is a very flexible ailment wide a very wide range.

Crazybugga: Sadly this disease is so well distributed that there is no single 'owner'. But you can count yourself one if it makes you feel better ;)

Jan: I bow before your deep insight. It speaks of your close connection with the Sole.
:p

AtomicGitten said...

Mr.Poplatho: Thank you, I'm much gratified:D. Your deep insight extends towards new age diseases as well! I'm much impressed. I shall add your entry to the archives.:)

Sj: Hmph! And here i thought you liked reading my blog. Brutus!;p

Vaish: I confess the state, but I protest. I'm not alone in the ailment. Several ppl- even commentors on this blog- are in similar predicaments. Including you, mademoiselle. :D

AtomicGitten said...

Sj: For Godsakes! UPDATE YOUR BLOG!